The Life Of a Coffee Addict

just about some crazy wild antics, some restless thoughts of the one who walks the walls of the city relentlessly, the story of a coffee addict

Friday, November 23, 2001

Of wretchedness this name I bear. Of woe and misery I am called and forced to bear.
But woe be it that it fits me so well, like a translucent veil atop my head. My name which means female prisoner.
Of what I do not know. But I think that I am a prisoner of woe and misery for it fits me all too well. How then can you explain why I cannot get anything through but woe and misery. That other people covet, I despise. That other people long for, I care not to think of, that other people would die for I would want to live without.

I cannot get away. There is no way out. It always looks and bear and shows that I am caged inside deep although I portray the face of a free bird flying in the sky and that I am happy and I possess my own soul and heart. Though I am bereft of my spirit which is imprisoned in my mind and in other people's mind.

If I could only unbutton this cloak of misery, this cloak of being everyone's and not my own. I do not like to be possessed. I do not like to be own. I would rather, one walk with me or fly with me than to be imprisoned. What am I?

Today is the day of remorse. Of how much and how deep, I cannot tell but deep enough to make me frown and be all blue in side. I think it would certainly be nice now to not own a heart, to not feel, to not care. And yet, I am often called and nickname the unemotional one or as a student once called me the Ice Queen. Why? For I can control my feelings and emotions. Does that equate me to those unfeeling ones?

But I do feel. A lot and it hurt half the damn time to feel. To feel people's fear, their want, their thoughts, their happiness. I had once declare that I hated all those happy people it gets on my exact nerves.

But I transgress. Why do I feel remorse?
Hmmm... because a lot of things are not happening out clearly this year. A lot of things I cannot own and have. A lot of other people bugging my life so that I could be with them.

Remorse, this is the feeling that I almost always feel and carry with me this year around. Remorse, my second name, don't you know that too. To feel remorse and feel in spreading deep inside you, in your belly, in your mind. Remorse. Oh how I hate you.
I hate to have this feeling inside. I want to shut all those feelings out. Feelings that people feel. I do not want to feel the other people's pain and this is why I have shut my mind and my ears to people's emotion in that I do not want to read their feelings, their mind of what their aura says. I do not want to hear their feelings. I do not want to hear the torment inside. The storm that comes from within that only I can see, feel, hear...........

It is like a whisper, a halo surrounding the people. And yet, I have unwittingly open the veil that had closed my eyes for I couldn't bear to go without it - to feel blind towards this penchant - a curse or gift to have the ability to feel a little of what people feel.
Why can't it go away....

Blow away be blown away. I do not want to be taught once again to feel..........