The Life Of a Coffee Addict

just about some crazy wild antics, some restless thoughts of the one who walks the walls of the city relentlessly, the story of a coffee addict

Thursday, December 27, 2001

I should think that my brain does not work so well. That this December has turned into misery for me with chaos spurning every now and then. I should think that I am under stress about the damn pile of notes that I am supposed to slog and come up with. I should think that all this is pressuring me. That this is probably the whole damn thing wrong with me.

Go awa feelings. I want to remain under the blanket, close my eyes and wish my heart is safe.

Unconditional.

I have realised that in all this 26 years of my life so many things this year. No doubt it has been a less than a perfect year for me... with all its ups and downs but it has been a year of reckoning - you know the year that you suddenly woke up and realised and that someone has fixed some parts of the jigsaw puzzle for you.

I want someone to love me unconditionally. Truly, madly and deeply as I would too. I want someone who would care for me as much as I would for him, to feel my pain, to know what my heart breathes out, to know the whisper of my thoughts. This is what I want - the world - his world and mine. I want absoluteness and nothing less. This is probably why I cannot get it anyways.

I do not want to possess another rather I would rather want to OWN the one whom I love's heart - so in reality and eternally I never need to fear of anything for his heart is mine and mine only. And he could OWN my heart too :) for I would gladly give but only once I attain this unconditional love.

Today is unbelievable. It has been raining on and off the whole day. It is 8.00 o'clock right now and I cannot believe that I am stuck here still in Klang. Grace... I should have gone back earlier then but I just had to finish up some just one thing.

Luckily Kannan is here and so is Puvanesawari and naturally Sosamma too to keep me company. Have been laughing the second half of the whole day - it takes my mind from the sore heart. I think I am going to lose my temper and just cross the road, buy a damn umbrella and then go home. Now I am wondering whatever did I do to make it rain on and off today. Did my sore heartedness have anything to do with it?

My sister in law told me something interesting yesterday. The whole two weeks have been an interesting revelation starting right from the time, K1 mentioned that she was a Sagittarian. Now I have about 4 Sagittarians to compare and the results was exceedingly interesting to note especially since we all seem to have the most different of characteristics. Why? Amazing....all the different characters.

I think I am not going to come to HELL tomorrow. It is so good to be here especially since my reluctant brain seems not to be wanting to start work on the damn notes that I should and ought to come up with. Honorable is going to be as mad as hell but then who cares? Life must go on. Something tells me that I am going to be in some deep trouble again but I think it is best that I tend my heart right now like a good sheperd that tends over his sheep.

Wednesday, December 26, 2001

It still hurts, I would be lying if I did not say it. I cannot fathom why you would you wanted to shun me away. After all, I did mention that you were unfeeling before so why did it hurt you then?

You seem to be in joy and I am in pain. A little prank of my side has turned the tables on me. I did not expect you to react this way nor me. Fate tends to put up a bump midway and makes me wonder. I never expected to feel this way. It is like something came and took my day away. There's no sun, no clouds just bleariness everywhere and inside... inside it hurts like someone wrenching my heart away but I undoubtedly deserved it.

I had always believe that there are always stop posts around the journey of life that makes you contemplate the turn of life. My heart is compromised. I do not know which way to go to and I want very badly to run away far away and hide but my heart is telling me to wait and see. It's telling me that I would not be hurt that....... this time I may get what I want. It is not how you play the game it is how the game plays you... isn't this what the picture spygames tells.... isn't this is what life is all about?